Have you ever thought you were a terrible person?
I sighed. Often, I say, but it makes no difference. Try though I may, I'm always the same. Crooked, backwards, and bent.
Lately, I think it. I believe it. I want to be different. Better.
Then you're already better than most people, I think. The rest of us just don't want to get caught. And that is the god blessed and god awful truth of things.
Well, that seems miserable.
Can't say I ever lied to you.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
This Thing That Was In My Head.
"So say there was another world, then. Would we be together?"
She paused, smiling, and set down the cup.
"I don't think so, darling."
"But, you love me. And I love you. If there was no him, or no her, wouldn't that make things seem right? What else do you need?"
"You love a lot of people, Jane. I love you the way one loves things that are strictly dreams. Things that can't be believed in. I love you how I love Santa Clause for his spirit, or how I wish I could love Jesus. You ask if we would be together. You're not asking if I'd fuck you or we'd share a room. What you're asking is if I'd believe in you. As more than a beautiful gesture or an idea. And at this point, I know you too well. I can't put that sort of faith in you - I see you for who you are. Permanence is not your virtue. I can't pretend we'd be together. I know you too well to love you that way. You don't even enjoy your own company for more than a few moments at a time. What good would a lifetime of me do?"
"It could be different," I managed, "and human nature is not so predictable. Things could be different this time."
"And no two snowflakes are alike, but they'll all fall together, end in an inanimate heap together, and eventually melt into disappearance together. Originality gains me no points. Nor would niavete."
"I could change," I countered, "and things could be as they've never been before. I could fix all the broken things. I could make you different."
"And the world could end next week. I could die tomorrow. The sky could turn purple. We could get fired from our jobs. Could, could, could - a future built out of the hollow bones of little birds. You could do anything. But it's like that lovely poem by Stevens - 'the surviving form of shall or ought to be in is ' - a little piece of hopefulness will always permeate our tomorrows. At the very least, a memory of that hopefulness. And yet, it's just a small piece if it's anything at all. You're already an amalgamated sum of all your defeated 'could be's.' I can't pretend there's no difference between the insistency of 'could be' and the firmness of 'will be' or the truth of 'is.' "
"So what you're saying is, I can't change? You'd not give me that chance?"
"What I'm saying is, you'll never stop changing. And I wouldn't bank on it, no. I need you too much to let you defeat yourself for my sake. I know you too well to love you like that. We would both die. Alone. Together. Alone."
She paused, smiling, and set down the cup.
"I don't think so, darling."
"But, you love me. And I love you. If there was no him, or no her, wouldn't that make things seem right? What else do you need?"
"You love a lot of people, Jane. I love you the way one loves things that are strictly dreams. Things that can't be believed in. I love you how I love Santa Clause for his spirit, or how I wish I could love Jesus. You ask if we would be together. You're not asking if I'd fuck you or we'd share a room. What you're asking is if I'd believe in you. As more than a beautiful gesture or an idea. And at this point, I know you too well. I can't put that sort of faith in you - I see you for who you are. Permanence is not your virtue. I can't pretend we'd be together. I know you too well to love you that way. You don't even enjoy your own company for more than a few moments at a time. What good would a lifetime of me do?"
"It could be different," I managed, "and human nature is not so predictable. Things could be different this time."
"And no two snowflakes are alike, but they'll all fall together, end in an inanimate heap together, and eventually melt into disappearance together. Originality gains me no points. Nor would niavete."
"I could change," I countered, "and things could be as they've never been before. I could fix all the broken things. I could make you different."
"And the world could end next week. I could die tomorrow. The sky could turn purple. We could get fired from our jobs. Could, could, could - a future built out of the hollow bones of little birds. You could do anything. But it's like that lovely poem by Stevens - 'the surviving form of shall or ought to be in is ' - a little piece of hopefulness will always permeate our tomorrows. At the very least, a memory of that hopefulness. And yet, it's just a small piece if it's anything at all. You're already an amalgamated sum of all your defeated 'could be's.' I can't pretend there's no difference between the insistency of 'could be' and the firmness of 'will be' or the truth of 'is.' "
"So what you're saying is, I can't change? You'd not give me that chance?"
"What I'm saying is, you'll never stop changing. And I wouldn't bank on it, no. I need you too much to let you defeat yourself for my sake. I know you too well to love you like that. We would both die. Alone. Together. Alone."
Friday, March 5, 2010
The Backseat Goobye: I Am You, You Are Me
This song will ALWAYS remind me of a certain girl who stole a huge chunk of whatever goodness and gentleness was inside me. Amazing how you can spend years with someone and they can just walk away. I haven't heard this song in forever, and it was odd to be reminded. Here's the better parts of the lyrics.
I'm a coat that you never wear,
except on special occasions year after year.
I'm a shoebox you keep under your bed:
I've got a couple of folded notes in me,
but you can't remember what they said.
So what's the point if you'll forget it in a week?
If it's blind, why believe in love at first sight?
Just stay inside - no one will know,
and you can leave the lights on all you want.
And I hope that you know that I loved you a lot -
(Why worry if we're gonna be home soon?)
it wasn't the alcohol talking at four in the morning,
(Why worry if we're gonna be home soon?)
it was the boy that you met in the hall years ago:
So don't forget me -
Don't you let me become a photograph
that you maybe look at once every year or so
just to recall the way you let me become a ghost.
I said "Sorry" to make you happy.
I kissed cuts to dry your tears.
I sold my clothes to keep you warm,
then you threw me away even after all these years
we spent struggling to pay the rent -
now who can I sing with when
everything's gone to hell?
I'm not alright,
and don't say that I will be.
I loved you,
but you didn't love me.
I'm a coat that you never wear,
except on special occasions year after year.
I'm a shoebox you keep under your bed:
I've got a couple of folded notes in me,
but you can't remember what they said.
So what's the point if you'll forget it in a week?
If it's blind, why believe in love at first sight?
Just stay inside - no one will know,
and you can leave the lights on all you want.
And I hope that you know that I loved you a lot -
(Why worry if we're gonna be home soon?)
it wasn't the alcohol talking at four in the morning,
(Why worry if we're gonna be home soon?)
it was the boy that you met in the hall years ago:
So don't forget me -
Don't you let me become a photograph
that you maybe look at once every year or so
just to recall the way you let me become a ghost.
I said "Sorry" to make you happy.
I kissed cuts to dry your tears.
I sold my clothes to keep you warm,
then you threw me away even after all these years
we spent struggling to pay the rent -
now who can I sing with when
everything's gone to hell?
I'm not alright,
and don't say that I will be.
I loved you,
but you didn't love me.
I Wish, I Wish, I Wish.
Standing outside waiting for the bus, and I swear if I could take a picture of how the sky looks right now - right this very minute, I would. As it is, I don't have the words or the means. Just trust me when I say that tonight, I can see right through to heaven. Makes an otherwise lonely, sad night into something I want to hold onto forever and a day.
Trying To Make It A Good Day
Today, the weather was glorious. It reminded me of last spring when I was dating Lex - walking to class this morning felt like walking back to campus with her. Made me smile to remember it. Those were good days. These are better days. It feels like the world has completely changed it's turning since then. How wild, what changes in a year.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Truth About Today
Some days, I can't find a damn beautiful thing to post or say. At least, nothing spontaneous. I have a reserve of quotes I could pull from, but it's really not the same. Anyway, today was just a sad and lonesome day. On the upside, my friends, partner and I are going to see our very own Tinkerbell in the Vagina Monologues tonight, and I'm really excited for that. Here's hoping the night brings me something real to post.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Pete, Wendy and Tink
Every time I see this picture, I become more convinced that there might never be a time in my life at which it doesn't make me smile.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
V. Nabokov (aka, THE MAN); Lolita
(My all-time favorite love quote!)
"It was love - at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight."
"It was love - at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight."
Monday, March 1, 2010
Possibly The Only Interesting Thing Maya Angelou Ever Said
(I think she's overrated - but I love this.)
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Rita Mae Brown, from Riding Shotgun
Loving's pretty easy. It's letting someone love you that's hard.
So Many Reasons To Love Robert Casero
"It's great fun, really, to live during a revolution. I recommend it! I do. So, do yourself an incredible favor in going off to find one," he paused, then smiled - "or making one. Living during (or attempting to live through) a revolution is amongst life's sweetest pleasures."
Love that guy.
Love that guy.
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